von alan4ever
I thank all of you, who supported my first FF (Bloss nicht ausflippen) so much and wrote me. This FF is surely not as good as the first one, because I’m going to be off for a week and wrote it quickly today. I confirm that my next FFs will be better! ;-)
ps: Of course I’m always looking forward to your Comments.
Eli belongs and will ever belong to me, every spreading of him has to be signed by me!
Special thanx to my best friend plotschi, who translated my oneshot *cuddle*
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Severus Snape just made it cozy for himself in the Great Hall, when suddenly a little stocky man sat down next to him. This man was called Eli and was kind of strange. On the one hand he was nice and meant it well with everybody, but on the other hand he was sometimes a bit annoying. He had confused Severus just a few days before. (Look up FF: Bloss nicht ausflippen!)
Severus just wanted to get up and disappear quickly, when Eli hit him on the shoulder all of a sudden. „Ah, Severus, old boy! There you are. Wanted to hide away of me, eh?“ Severus get ambarassed and sat down again quickly. „No, I…“ „Calm down, Sev! I know exactly what you’re planning. Don’t want to speak with dear Eli, did ya? Never fear: I’m watching you!“ (He made a strange geasture. (Like Robert De Niro in the movie: Meet the Parents, or: Meet the Fockers.)) Severus raised his eyebrows and turned his eyes. „I’m pleased then, thank you, Eli.“ Eli, who just wanted to eat a Steak, had to laugh out loud suddenly. Severus couldn’t follow and looked at him in disgust. „What is it?“, he asked after a while, when Eli calmed down again. Eli, who’s eyes were filled of tears of laughing, took the rand of the tablecloth and used it as a handkerchief .
„You know, Severus! That was really a good joke.“ Severus couldn’t follow. „Which joke exactly?“ And there it happened again. Eli burst out laughing even more than before, what made all students look at Severus and Eli. „Shut up, Eli!“ Severus tried to calm him down, but couldn’t. Eli almost felt of his chair. „Hahaha… Severus… simply brilliant… you: which joke exactly?… hahaha…“ Severus, who was very embarassed by now, shook his head and shouted at Eli. „SHUT UP, ELI!!!“ But Eli didn’t want to stop. He went on and on and on laughing.
But then, suddenly, Severus had an idea. „ELI, YOU ARE FOOLISH! YOU ARE THE BIGGEST IDIOT I’VE EVER SEEN!!!“ Eli stopped lauhing immediately, and for he was truly sensitive, there were already some tears in his eyes. Severus seemed to enjoy it and went on. (But more quite.) „You’re really a SILLY BILLY, Eli! Sometimes you act like a GIRL!“ Eli opened his mouth. He was perplexed. Could he trust his ears? Like a girl?
Severus just wanted to try his salad, when Eli started sobbing. ’Oh no, not again!’ he thought. „Eli, listen…“ But Eli couldn’t Stopp his tears and quietly started crying. Severus looked around quickly, if noone was watching the two of them. Butt he students ate on and didn’t seem to recognize anything. Severus tried to calm down Eli anyhow, but he didn’t want to stop. The onlyone who recognized them was Minerva McGonagall. She smirked and enjoyed it well and truly. She hasn’t seen Severus so helpless for ages.
„Stop it Eli! Damn, STOP CRYING!“ Now Eli had to cry even more and Severus became mad. „DAMN, YOU ARE PATHETIC, ELI! …Listen, Eli…erm… old boy? If you Stopp, I’ll…I’ll tell you my stupid tea recipe.“ Eli didn’t think twice. He kept asking Severus for his „Happiness-tea-recipe“ for ages. He took Severus’ cloak and wipe of his tears and used it as a handkerchief. (You should’ve seen Severus’ face!) Minerva wanted to laugh out loud, but then let it be. Noone knew what Severus was able to. In her opinion (and she was not the only one), Severus belonged into a funny farm.
Eli was happy and jolly again. Or: Like ever. He took his (in the meanwhile cold and wet) Stake and smack on in a happy and jolly way. „Smack, smack…oh yes, Severus, old boy… well…schmatz…what about the recipe?“ Severus sighed and took a deep breath. „Well… erm, don’t you want to write it down?“ Eli smiled. „No, no, Sev! I have got a very good brain. I’m professional in those things! Did you know that I once, in 1998 at the Worldchampionship for the best thinking…“ „Okay okay okay! Fine, Eli. However, fort his recipe you need: 200 grammes of sauerkraut, 1litre of fat, 3 drops of blood, 2 apple stones, a half lemon, and last but not least 3 litres of whiskey.“ Eli looked at him disgusted. „Are you serious?“ Severus smiled relaxed. „Yes, I am.“ Eli swallowed. „Well, did you get it?“ Eli shook his head slowly. „Sorry old boy! Could you repeat it?“ Severus turned his eyes and repeated it once more.
„Well…“ Eli started. „2 spoons of sauerkraut, 1litre of blood, a half whiskey…“ Severus closed his eyes. „No, no, Eli. Listen: 200 grammes of sauerkraut, 1litre of fat and not one litre of blood.“ „Oh, I understand. Well: 2000 grammes eh i mean 20 grammes of sauerblood, 100 spoons of fat…“ Severus couldn’t believe it. He had never seen such an idiot. „No Eli, listen. Just copy me. 200 grammes of sauerkraut.“ „2000 grammes…“ „No Eli! I said 200 NOT 2000 grammes!“ „I see! You really need to speak more clearly, Sev!“ Severus took another deep breath.
At the other end of the table, Minerva was still watching them and had relaxed it. ’All what’s missing is popcorn!’ ,she thougt for herself, swung her wand and some popcorn appeared. Albus also noticed the thing and told the other teachers.
„NO, NO, NO, ELI!!! 200 grammes of sauerkraut, 1litre of fat, 3 drops of blood…“ „Okay, okay, okay, fine, Sev! Calm down!“ „Calm down?!“ Severus stood up. Eli shook his head. „Listen Sev, old boy!“ „YOU MUST NOT CALL ME LIKE THAT!!!“ „Okay. Okay. Now sit down.“
In the meanwhile, the teachers nestled and watched them in glee. Some af them were already betting, which of them would keep mum longer. At the moment it was 7 to 1 for Eli. Even some of the students recognized them. „You must keep him next year, Albus!“, noticed Minerva at the teacher’s table. „Who do you mean?“ „Eli of course.“ Albus nodded. „Sure, Minerva. They are a nice couple!“
„Do you know, Severus…I told you once, but I really think, you should go to a psychiatrist!“, Eli said, keeping up his Stake like a defense shield. That was enough for Severus. That Eli would drive him mad. Couldn’t he just eat his salad without being interrupted by Eli? Severus left the room angrily and Eli shook his head. „That guy really belongs into a funny farm!“ Then all the teachers came to Eli and shook his hand and wanted to gratulate him. Eli never found out why they did.
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